Podcast Episode

Basic Financial Considerations for Age Gap Dating and Relationships

August 24, 2020 by Carrie 2 Comments

Basic financial planning is important for all couples and is often more complicated for age gap couples planning marriage and also for those who are not married. As you may know, finances are one of the top reasons leading to relation disagreements and a break-up.

Age Gap Financial Considerations

Specifically, in age gap relationships, there may be greater room for financial problems in that:
• large income disparities as the younger person may still be in school or may be at the beginning of their career,
• the older person may be living off retirement, may have expenses related to a previous marriage such as spousal support (alimony) or may be supporting children or elderly parents.

Since this is a big topic, we’ve broken it into two blog posts for age gap couples.

This blog post is for a dating couple who perhaps is in a long-term relationship, but is not married. The next blog post is for those planning to marry or already married. Both sections should be helpful and we hope you find it useful.

Basics topics can include: budgeting, earnings, debt management, judgements (leans or commitments including alimony and child support) savings, expenses, and insurance. All of these should be addressed especially when living together.

Budgeting for income & expenses

Determine the division of expenses to decide who is going to pay for what including how is the rent or mortgage going to be paid.
Plan to spend within your means and avoid debt, especially high interest cost credit card debt (spending less than what you earn is best).
Set up a simple budget spreadsheet (many are available for free on the internet).
Track your expenses versus you budgeted amount and adjust your spending or your amount budgeted and be realistic.

50/30/20 rule for budgeting

Another budgeting technique is the 50/30/20 rule. It involves dividing your monthly income into three ”buckets”:
• 50% (or less) goes to necessities such as housing, student loans and utilities. These are expenses you have to pay every month.
• 30% (or less) goes to nice-to-haves, such as entertainment, hobbies and travel.
• 20% (or more, if possible) goes toward savings and paying down debt.

Savings

Retirement should be a MAJOR goal in your financial plan. Make an effort to save 15% to 20% of your income for retirement.
An emergency fund that can cover 3-9 months of your living expenses is also vital. What if you lose your job or need a car repair or an unexpected housing expense?

Insurance

The three most basic insurance types are:
• Health insurance, hopefully available thru you employer. If not, check to see what coverage is available through a Government sponsored plan at low cost.
• Life insurance if your committed partner (spouse?) or any dependent children are in your life.
• Long-term health insurance, if available at a cost you can afford.

Resources

How much should I save each month?

Podcast Episode

Episode 7 of Age Gap Love Story is devoted to this topic of basic financial planning. Listen to it here, or watch it on our YouTube channel.

Age Gap Love Story is a website, podcast, YouTube channel, and community created to support people who are in a relationship with a large age difference. Join our email list to learn more!

Dealing with Negative Reactions to Your Age Gap Relationship

August 17, 2020 by Carrie Leave a Comment

It can be difficult dealing with strangers or the public when you are in an age gap relationship. This article includes tips for managing different types of challenges, including negative reactions to your age difference.

You might be wondering what types of situations are there when you will have to deal with strangers or the public? It can be very varied depending on your lifestyle.

If you go out to restaurants a lot, then you’ll probably get more attention from strangers. Alan and I more often go to lunch rather than dinner, so we think that most people assume we are a father and daughter going to lunch together.

On the other hand, when we used to live in a big city and would go out more often, I do recall getting a lot more looks when we would go out for dinner or would be in situations like Valentine’s Day when it’s unlikely you would be with a family member.

Other situations where you may encounter strangers or the public with your age gap partner include: traveling, social media, work social events, parties, and other types of events like concerts, etc.

Dealing with Negative Reactions

Specifically, here are other challenges you may face in an age gap relationship.

1. Negative stereotyping

Some of the common negative stereotypes around age gap couples are that one is a “gold digger,” one is just looking for sex, one is taking advantage of the other, or that one is submissive.

Alan and I experienced this recently when our story was picked up by the British tabloids. Some of the comments from the public to the article were supportive, but some were incredibly rude and show what people are really thinking.

older man with a younger woman on his arm

How to deal with negative stereotyping? Don’t give them any value and understand that it’s not you, it’s about them. Be genuine. Be your own person and don’t believe that you have to be what people want or expect you to be.

2. Rude comments

We are of the mindset that everyone has the freedom to choose their partner and lifestyle. We also know that it can be intimidating to be yourself in a world where people want you to be the same as them. So, it’s an individual choice as to how obvious you want to be with your relationship. We never want anyone to put themselves at risk, so you need to make your own wise decisions.

We also believe in the principles of “non violent communication” which can be a great strategy for dealing with difficult people. I will link to the Center for Nonviolent Communication below. Another example is using language that is non-engaging. This can be responding to something negative with, “you have the right to your opinion” which usually shuts someone down.

3. Stares or whispers

Likely the best response in this situation where people are staring at you or obviously whispering about your age gap relationship is to ignore it or to use humor to diffuse the situation.

The rule to keep in mind is to give yourself space if you feel yourself getting emotional or angry. Remember that other people’s stares or whispers are more about their own ignorance than anything that you have done.

4. Hurtful comments online

It is best to ignore rude comments rather than confront. Another way is to “kill them with kindness.” I found a good quote about dealing with judgment that might also help.

“When they judge you, yawn.

When they misunderstand you, smile.

When they underestimate you, laugh.

When they condemn you, ignore.

When they envy you, rejoice.

When they oppose you, prevail.”

― Matshona Dhliwayo

5. Sense of isolation

Alan and I know what it’s like to feel isolated in an age gap relationship. That’s why we started Age Gap Love Story!

Find people who really care about you and can be supportive. Find new friends or people in the same situation who can help you. Really make an effort to become involved in a group or organization so people can get to know you either as an individual or a couple. This can really help diffuse the ignorance and judgement. You DON’T have to feel alone nor should you be alone for your decision.

6. Rejection from family or friends

Consider family therapy if you experience rejection from your family due to your age gap relationship. Be willing to give them to adjust and get to know your partners. Plan small interactions rather than a whole day together.

At a certain point, it’s okay to admit that the relationship may have run its course and it’s okay to end the relationship and move on. It’s even okay to break off communication with a family member if he or she routinely hurts you or won’t accept your relationship.

7. Loss of friends or family who disapprove

It can be incredibly hurtful to lose friends or even family who disapprove of your age gap relationship. The best way to deal with this is to make a new family using friends that you choose.

Or, create new traditions with your partner. Plan something amazing for the holidays so they feel special to you. Even a day out hiking or something unconventional is a good idea.

Listen or Watch

Alan and I recorded a podcast episode on this topic. Listen below or watch this episode on YouTube.

References

Article about dealing with interracial marriage issues: https://www.verywellmind.com/interracial-marriage-challenges-2303129

Tabloid article featuring Carrie and Alan: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8548607/Couple-32-year-age-gap-regularly-mistaken-father-daughter.html

Center for Nonviolent Communication: https://www.cnvc.org/learn-nvc/what-is-nvc

As always, we want to remind you that we are not offering professional advice. The content on this website is meant as purely informational. Please consult a therapist, attorney, financial advisor, or other appropriate professional to help with your individual situation.

Age Gap Love Story is a website, podcast, YouTube channel, and community created to support people who are in a relationship with a large age difference. Join our email list to learn more!

Talking to Family & Friends About Your Age Gap Relationship

August 10, 2020 by Carrie 2 Comments

This article shares tips and strategies for sharing your age gap relationship with friends and family. This can be an experience that can range from extremely awkward and uncomfortable to even worse, depending on the situation.

There is likely no one right time to tell your friends and family that you’ve met the person of your dreams, but he or she is decades older or younger than you. We know that this can be a really difficult conversation to have.

General Tips

Make a list of why it’s important for you to tell others

Is it that you are getting serious with your partner and you want to share your joy? Is it so that you can introduce your partner to your friends and family. It’s nice to have a list of reasons to help boost your confidence.

Take it one person at a time

Each situation and relationship will be different, so make a plan for telling one person at a time in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. You can always ask that person to keep your conversation confidential until you have had time to tell more people.

Pick a time when you are both calm and the situation is appropriate

Try to take stock of your feelings and how the other person is acting to make sure the time is right. You don’t want to pick a time when the other person is already stressed out, as that may make it harder for them to react rationally.

Don’t pressure yourself, especially if you aren’t ready

You may need to consider a lot of factors before you tell your friends and family, including your financial situation. Don’t potentially alienate yourself from people who you depend on.

Tell other people in a way that is comfortable for you

You can do it in person, over the phone, in a letter, or whatever works for you to communicate the message that you have met someone you care about, but that there is an age difference.

Think carefully about what you are going to say

Expect to have some shock, anger, disbelief, or other negative emotions at first. This is a natural reaction when someone isn’t expecting something, they are ignorant about the situation, they need more information, or they aren’t prepared to deal with it. It doesn’t mean that he or she will never accept your relationship, but he or she may need some time.

Take a “time out” if necessary

If emotions start to escalate, it’s okay to take some time away so you or your family member can calm down. It’s best to step away from the conversation before it gets too heated or before you feel yourself losing control.

Step away from the conversation, review what you really want to say, and then re-approach that person after you are feeling more calm.

Always protect your personal safety

If you ever feel unsafe by the reaction of others when you tell them about your relationship, then do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Physical violence is never the answer. Please contact the authorities if you ever feel like you are in danger.

Ask for support if needed

Ask your partner for support, consider a professional therapist for help, reach out to the age gap community, or a close friend, for ideas and support, etc.

Podcast Episode

Listen to the podcast episode related to this topic. We hope that the tips are helpful. You can also watch the podcast on our Age Gap Love Story YouTube channel.

Conclusion

We hope that this article and podcast episode was helpful on the topic of telling your friends and family about your age gap relationship. We know it can be difficult.

Age Gap Love Story is a website, podcast, YouTube channel, and community created to support people who are in a relationship with a large age difference. Join our email list to learn more!

Age Gap Dating & Picking a Partner

August 6, 2020 by Carrie Leave a Comment

Age gap dating can have similar challenges as other relationships, but there are some special considerations to be made when you have a large age difference. This post discusses tips, cautions, and advice for age gap dating.

General Tips

Ensure that the other person is looking for the same thing in a relationship. If you like the person, this is something you can bring up early on. Although, you do have to understand that people change over time. Watch out for rebound relationships as this can affect how someone views another relationship (i.e. her or she might jump into something too fast).
Get to know the other person’s character and personality. According to Psychology Today, the most important characteristics for a long-term relationship are kindness, reliability, and emotional stability. Your interactions will help you see that in the person.
Compatibility is also important, especially with things like hobbies, vacation preferences, and views on religion and politics.
Be aware of traits that you don’t like: anger, addiction, gambling, other mental health issues, so you know what you’re getting into. During the dating stages, this is when people are showing their best side. So, if you see things you don’t like, this should be a red flag.

Age Gap Considerations

Health issues

It’s important to know if there are issues that can get worse with time. Also, does the person take good care of themselves? Smoking, drinking, food choices, exercise, sleep, work/life balance, regular medical exams, and stress management are all lifestyle factors that can have effects later.

Previous marriages

Previous marriages can also be complicating and something to consider. There is spousal support, child support, emotional issues, so it’s good to talk about it during the dating process.

Previous bad relationships (not just previous marriages) can cause issues that may need to be addressed. Can lead to bad habits with communication and dealing with conflict.

Children from previous relationships

Child support and college can be a financial drain. Also, they take a lot of emotional support, even if they don’t have issues.

Financial considerations

For the older partner, consider financial commitments, such as alimony, child support, mortgage, assets, debt, credit cards, business arrangements, liens, earning potential.

For the younger partner, student loans, credit cards. Is the person going to be a reliable financial partner? For either partner, are they financially stable?

For a lot of this, you have to use good judgment. Be open-minded, but watch out for red flags. If you’re getting serious, it’s important to be honest and open.

Also, be cautious about co-mingling assets. Who is going to provide income? You may need to do a prenuptual agreement if you want to get married. You also need to consider estate planning regarding previous children if it gets serious.

Future Planning

Dreams for home ownership, travel, children, pets, and how you want to spend your time are all issues to discuss.

Life Stage Differences

This can be an issue for age gap relationships, especially if one person is working and the other is retired.

This topic of Age Gap Dating is one that we covered in episode 4 of the Age Gap Love Story Podcast. Listen here!

Age Gap Love Story is a website, podcast, YouTube channel, and community created to support people who are in a relationship with a large age difference. Join our email list to learn more!